CHEATER, CHEATER, PUMPKIN EATER

OK... so I didn't eat any pumpkin today... but I did cheat.  I am trying... but I am weak. 

I drank a glass of diet pop.  It was a conscious decision... and I think it kept me from the hot tamales.  :)  AND the one I feel badly about is the bite of ice cream cake I took.  I know, I know.. I sit hear asking myself... Do you not want this time to be successful? Yes, I do.  I will be stronger.  I passed on a lot of temptation today and I really think I am getting stronger.  Tomorrow will be difficult as I am not going to be home all day.  I have already packed me a bunch of food to eat.  Perhaps it will be easier... but I guess I just worry about trying to find healthy food if I am starving and not home.

Overall I really am proud of myself.  I really did quite well for me.  Calorie intake for the day was 1120 (typically I have been around 1800 for the past few months). My general attitude toward losing weight is that I will continue to eat what I want (within reason) and just exercise more.  Well... I have been burning about 2700-3000 calories a day as my target and it wasn't doing it for me.  Different times.... different ways I suppose.  I have not been on the treadmill now for a week.  But I am still active during the day (in fact my average calorie burn is only down 100 or so) AND also important to my goal is I am sleeping ~ 7hrs. 13mins. last night (Sixth day in a row I did over seven hours!! Can you tell I wear a Bodymedia??).

I feel good about other aspects of my life for the most part... I have the slightest unsettled feeling in one area... I need to focus there and find out what is up.  I am still job hunting, and feel fine about not having anything yet.  I had an interview on Monday and have a follow-up scheduled with the company in a week and a half.  I have been focusing better as a mother.  My house is in semi-order but I need to attack some hot spots.

I am on a good track.. I just need to stay on track.  THRIVING here I come!!!

new season and attempting a clean sweep

I have been feeling great this week. Had another doctor's appointment, have run errands, had at least one child home sick all week, and in between her eating bits of many things she did not want, KJ helped me update my resume. My job interview for next week got moved up to today. I haven't gone on a real honest to goodness job interview in YEARS so I am a little bit nervous. I feel like I am embarking on a new season of my life...I have embraced the return of joy in my daily life. I still have a ways to go until I reach thrive but I indeed am moving in that direction.

Along with my interview, on my agenda for the day is the continued sorting of junk. I am a cluttered freak! I have clutter all around and I know this is one of the BIGGEST hindrances keeping me from thriving. Have you ever watched the show Clean Sweep? I don't know if it is on anymore but it was on either TLC or HGTV and a team of people came into a family's home and helped them sort, throw out, sell, and then organize what was left of the clutter to makeover the room. I would love to Clean Sweep my whole house!

Got to get started now, heading off to drink my hot lemon water!

What?!?!?!?

Come on KJ!!!!! It's one thing to do it but to post about it and taunt me in print, that is just too much. Hope that Coldstone was good! :)

Day 6 Total weight loss so far 5.5lbs
yogurt for breakfast
apple
2 baby carrots
blueberry Chobani
6 strawberries
hard boiled egg
yummy salad with chicken and a tiny bit of feta
oops another yogurt, forgot I had one for breakfast

PS Yes, I may be older, but the grey hair you are going to incur with your 16 year old driving may soon make you look the senior. LOL

DISCIPLINE

My son turned 16 today... but just for the record.... I am younger than S.M. :)

I decided to start the diet today.  I have discipline in a lot of areas of my life... but controlling my food wants is not one.  I had about 10 Hot Tamales (a favorite), some Chinese food (not a favorite - but I couldn't control myself), and a sliver of Coldstone Creamery Ice Cream cake(ohhh so good).

Tomorrow I will do better.  I know I will not lose any weight until I really shake up my eating habits.  I need to quit messing around and do it now.  I have been talking about it for YEARS.  Enough.  It is one of two areas that is really hampering my ability to feel as though I am thriving.

EATING MY WORDS... AND A FEW OTHER THINGS I SHOULDN'T

I really swore I was not going to go on a diet.  I just wanted to change my eating habits... well change as I may I have not gotten anywhere.  So, I am relinquishing... I am joining S.M. and heading for the diet.  Really, I think the diet may break me out of my bad habits of candy in the afternoon and too many carbs.  But, this will require me to stay devoted to it for two weeks (that is my goal).  Of course I am really not even sure I can make it one day.  I thought I would start today - but since I started with something not on the diet.. even though S.M. told me I could start half-way through a day the lunch choice of Mexican food was way off as well... so tomorrow.  I promise.  I think.  Another thing for two weeks.... SLEEP.  They even had a report on the news this morning that it aids in weight-loss.  So... here I go.

Working on another project today that has been sitting in my garage since August.  Painting a coffee table I picked up at a yard sale.  I also fixed the wreath I had on my front door.  It was starting to look a little un-loved and homeless.  It is better now. :0)  Really love getting these things done.

AND.... had a voicemail today from the doctor's office.  Ummmm... blood work. good.  xray. good.  CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHY MY FOOT HURTS AND WHY MY DOCTOR IS NOT CONCERNED?? Pain seems like a bad thing to me.  It is like the body telling me to stop.  ???  So, I guess I better hit the treadmill today.

Ta dah!

I have finally completed all coursework for my Associates Degree. It has taken me 20 years. I wish I had taken college just a bit more seriously as a young adult but since I did not I only managed to earn a minimal amount of credit hours in my first semesters. I then withdrew and worked and played for several years. When Terry and I were first married I took a few classes here and there and did well. Then years later, in order to take time off from my full time job so I could open my own business, I went back to school full time and once again did well. I always thought, wow, it would be great if I could get paid to go to school. :) So finally about 2 or so years ago I went back to finish what I thought were the final few credits I needed which turned out to be 30 more credit hours. It took me longer than the average student but I finally finished all of my coursework for the final class in early February. Today I received my notification that my final grade was an A and all I am waiting for now is my degree to be mailed to me. I finished my degree through SUNY Empire State College and I am so thankful. An Associates Degree does not mean a lot on the job market nowadays but it means a lot to me. For one thing there is personal satisfaction, for another my children will know that I earned a degree, the big one is that I completed something- this tends to be an area I struggle greatly in, and finally it fills in the gap on what I feel is a rather impressive resume. As of right now I have a job interview next week. I LOVE being a mostly stay at home mom but financially the family needs my help, so I am believing that God is going to lead me into a great job that will allow me to work creatively in an environment where I impact the lives of young children and their families. I'll keep you posted! Day 5 of my current diet and I have lost 2.5 lbs and I feel fantastic!

making the most of the day

T lost her first tooth yesterday. She is the older of my twins and has waited paitiently 2 weeks longer than her twin for her first tooth to fall out. I realized yesterday this is the last of my children to experience losing her first tooth. So sweet. Time flies so quickly as we age and I believe that once children enter our life it goes even faster. Don't want to waste any moments at all.

The sun has been shining all weekend. As I type the sun is warming my neck beautifully. We are heading out to worship and then hit the zoo on this sunny but cold day. Yesterday we spent half the day at the science museum. It was a wonderful day. Life is good!

POWER OF COMPLETION

I finished paining in the basement.  It looks good... I feel good.  Today I am baking dozens and dozens of cookies for a benefit being held in honor of my cousin. 

Feeling a bit disconnected from one important relationship in life.  Between he and I... too busy to connect during an hour that fosters any real conversation without a half dozen children asking for our attention.  Somehow that has been the way it has been for a few weeks.  Need to break that cycle.

and the results are in...

I have to snap out of this. My follow up to my doctor's visit was yesterday and my bloodwork revealed that everything appears normal. Hmmmm....I guess that rules out a medical reason for my extreme weight gain, fatigue, lack of ambition, and irritibility.

I believe that for the first time in my life I have been suffering from a bit of depression. We had an amazing dream family vacation in December. It was a gift from my parents. While visiting the happiest place on earth I was compared to the energizer bunny. If a park opened early I was there, if another one closed late we headed there, too. Almost every night, I fell sound asleep in the bathtub at our resort. But every morning we were back at it. We had an incredible time but I came home exhausted. With one weekend between me and Christmas I found it incredibly difficult to fit in all the baking I normally do each year. I only made 5 types of cookies instead of the usual 10-12. No caramel corn was made this year. Just the bare minimum of cheesecakes and carrot cakes were baked. I did not get my Christmas jam done until 2 days after Christmas. And, unless I saw you in person or you are my friend on FB you got no christmas card or photos in fact my annual Christmas letter is still half written. Reflecting back I see exactly how tired I was. January arrived and it was cold and dreary. We got tons of snow which made my husband happy. He is in charge of snow removal for the factory he works at. He actually gets so excited that he can't sleep when they are predicitng snow. This makes me crazy because if it does snow he has to be at his workplace by 3 AM so I worry about his health. It seemed to me that it was an exceptionally sunless January (I have looked for data to confirm this but have not been able to find anything.) I found myself falling back asleep in front of my fireplace after I put the kids on the bus almost daily. This is something that I probably only did a handful of times in the 8 years I've had any kids in school. It continued to be cold in February and my trend continued. Blah! That is how I felt. I am still tired all of the time!!! I believe my exhaustion segwayed into depression. I am making no excuses but through reflection I believe I can move forward. I have a feeling God wanted me to slow down a bit but also to teach me empathy for people suffering from depression. I am going to go back to words of wisdom that can be helpful in all of life's situations. I am going to get on my face and pray, read the Word of God and turn on the worship music. I choose to be joyful and overcome.

Day 2 of diet, I accidentally took a bite of toast as I was making it for my daughter this morning but I am about to sit down with a lovely salad. :)

Doctor Doctor

S.M. went to the doctor this week and so did I. I then went and got blood work done and an xray on my foot.

I tell you this only because it is part of the physical you. It is part of thriving. I have had my eye appointments, dental appointments, pap, and mammogram. I feel on top of my health.. and THAT is a good thing.

Going to paint today and check that off my list of things to do.

DIET SCHMIET.

:)

A declaration

As a child I do not remember planning on what I was going to be when I grew up. I had a vivid imagination but planning my future was something I truly have no recollection of. Perhaps this was a good thing as I believe above all that we may plan it is what God wills for our life that counts. So, right now I declare, I am open to what you have for me Lord.

Day 1 of a new diet

Balance

I got on the scale yesterday morning and the beautiful number staring back at me was a number I had not seen in a couple months.  Although, a couple months ago when I saw it I was appalled... yesterday I was thrilled.  I lost my job the first of the year and was looking forward to some "time-off".  I was hoping it would allow me to get a handle on my life... get my house in order, connect with friends I had not had time to see in years, and lose the weight I had gained in the last five years.  You can imagine my frustration when the scale started climbing up and up and up.  How could that happen?  I was going from sitting at a desk all day to being on the move.  How does that make you gain weight??  But, it did.  So, yesterday when I saw that number I was thrilled.  I was hoping it was the sign that I was headed back down.  Today is a different story as I am back up two. 

My foot is killing me.  I need to go to the doctor.  I find it frustrating.  How can I exercise.. and get in shape and lose weight when my foot hurts?  I have been pushing through the pain... and now the pain is getting worse.  It is 11:30am and I have been dressed for the treadmill for four hours.  I think I need to call the doctor, shower, and move on. I have been laying around thinking about it... and not doing anything.

I did decide on a paint color to paint my family room that needs to be painted (and by decide I mean I realized I would be crazy not to listen to my sister who is an interior designer).  I feel motivated to get those projects done... but hampered by my commitment to myself to finish another project I don't feel like facing first.

Really - life has been good.  I have been getting things done and the more I get in order the more empowered I feel.  I think sometimes being tired is just my internal way of crawling up in the fetal position so I don't have to face what the day holds. If only OJ was the secret to getting me 'out' there.



I have discovered one truth about thriving in my journey so far. It is really hard to feel as though you are thriving if you are barely surviving, or even drowning in ONE area of your life. Surviving requires balance. You have to find fulfillment in all areas of your life in order to feel as though you are thriving.

Looking toward the other side of the rainbow

I pretty much ate all carbs all yesterday!!! Two pieces of white toast with butter as a late breakfast, 6 pieces of white toast with butter for lunch, and 4 cookies for a snack. I visited the doctor yesterday morning. I have been feeling extremely tired for months now. I have gained a lot of weight and have struggled with depression for the first time in my life. And my poor husband and daughters have been dealing with way crazy emotions at PMS time so I was hoping the doctor might be able to give me some clarity. As with all doctor visits we started at the scale. How is it that this practice catches me off guard every time? Well once again the scale proved it was either not my friend or a friend that believed in straight tough love because according to this scale I now weigh more than I weighed when I was 38 weeks pregnant with my twins!!!! Ugh!!! The doctor ordered bloodwork and I was on my way. I can only hope that there is some reason for these changes in my health but regardless of reasons there are no excuses...I have to get a move on in changing my health. I have always been very active but there have only ever been seasons of my life where I have been dilligent in a healthy lifestyle that included exercise specifically. Funny thing, I feel great when I exercise daily. I love to sweat and feel the burn of progress as I push myself, but I usually get distracted by busyness and get off track. I believe wholeheartedly that a lifestyle of healthful eating and daily exercise is part of the key to thriving. I have to get motivated!! I have to not eat all carbs when I am feeling discouraged.

Thought for the day: (since you already saw my diet)

A diet of carbs can lead to survival while a diet rich in a rainbow of color just may be the pathway to thriving.

And I don't mean eating candy!!!!

From K.J.

I have been exercising twice a day.  I am hoping that may help give me the edge to shedding these unwanted pounds.  Of course my body is rebelling.  My foot is killing me -but I am not sure why. 

I have spent some time with friends, have not spent enough time cleaning my house or looking for a job.  And I feel like I have been a horrible mother.  I feel drained.  Spiritually I need a boost.  Perhaps I  have not had enough focus there either.  I have not touched my journal.  What else should I be doing? 

I did see one of my best friends that I haven't seen since Christmas.  And got another "to-do" off my list.  I created a video for church.  It wasn't a huge project - just took a few hours... but it has been out there in the back of my mind.  One more thing gone from my cluttered mind.

This is not going to be easy.  What needs to change so that I can change?

I'm trying.....

This morning I was helping a friend and reflecting on the slow pace my life transformation seems to be on. It seems to be one step forward, you know I eat well and exercise for 2 days, and then 3 steps backward, I celebrate my accomplishment by making a long weekend of no exercise and indulging in less than healthy foods. It is frustrating!!! I want to thrive!!! When will surviving not be the norm? How long will it take for my norm to be to wake up and thrive? This is not an easy transformation. My friend, K.J., challenged me with the question, "How long does it take to make a change?". I answered "well 21 days of course", thinking Gosh that sounds like a long time when I can't make it more than 3 days of being healthy and she says, "no, not just make a habit but live by new habits without even thinking about it...they say it takes a month for every year you are old." What?!?! All I could think of at that moment was wow, am I thankful I am 2 months away from my next birthday therefore I only have 38 months and not 39 to make this change!!!! I want to change. I believe that we are created to live a life that is amazing. That in the face of tragedy and turmoil, I should not only be at peace but actually thriving. Surviving should be at most for a season, not a lifestyle. I am committed. I know it will not be easy but I'm trying.

Today wound up being an incredible day. By the time my kids got off the bus the sun was shining and it actually hit above 50 degrees for the first time in months. I felt great!

Eating Log

4 M and M Peanuts
Reuben with chips and pickle
Popcorn
Irish Beef Stew
5 Small Cookies
1 Pistachio Cupcake
5 glasses of water

From K.J.

Going crazy... how do you create the life you want... REALLY? Not just for a moment? For good!

I am failing miserably. My waist is the same size (if not larger) it was a week ago. The house is a mess... I have the same piles sitting around.  I want to read a couple books... but have not even read a page.

On a positive note,  I do think I have handled some things as a mom better. And I have completed two things off my 'to-do' list. Of course one of those things was to paint the basement. It is the most awful color. I hate it. Ugh. I am going to sit and look at it for a day or two, then decide what to do. It may make it back on my 'to-do' list. It does feel good to get those things done.

The other 'big' item I accomplished was 'ordering' a book I started casually working on about a year ago. My cousin is finishing chemo in two weeks and I want to give it to her as a gift when she is done. I may actually meet that deadline. It is a compilation of quotes and scriptures that focus on dealing with trials.

Changing your life is hard... and yet that is what I am trying to do. I just need to focus and work hard. This will not be easy.

I am trying making my list of things to do every day after morning prayer.  I guess that means I need to have a more meditative prayer if I want that to be successful.

From K.J.

Friday I took care of the relationship side of life. Had breakfast with one friend and lunch with another... than moved on to the service side as I spent the evening at a sleepover with 12 and 13 year old girls from church. I ate horrible.. so the physical side of me was crying.

Saturday I was busy with the service side of me - at an activity with girls 12-18 all day. I didn't take care of any other parts of me.

Sunday I went to church - taking care of my spiritual side. My diet was pizza and cereal for the day. ugh.

Today I slept in. I have eaten Fiber One with skim milk, so I am off to a great start... just not sure it will last. I haven't really accomplished anything yet. I think I am going to prayerfully consider what should be put on my to-do list today. I am dressed for the treadmill... assuming that is next.

Not enough focus on being a good mom. Not enough focus on my physical well-being. Not enough focus on emotional (I need to be journaling). Not enough focus on work (I need to find a job).

Looking for the balance still.

From K.J.

Good day today. I hit the treadmill twice and made some serious strides towards cleaning the disaster I call my bedroom. It has been a process trying to clean out all my hot spots. Today felt really good. If only I didn't eat gummy bears, brownies, fuit loops, chocolate and chinese take out I would feel super about the day. I was a nice mom today. Let my kids do things I normally would say no to. I struggle with S1 (son #1). I have decided the healing road of our relationship may be service. You love those you serve. I need to love him... more than I do. Perhaps by serving him (beyong the normal mom ways of providing food and shelter) I will grow to love him.. which will take me off 'edge' all the time. I cleaned his bedroom today. It took me hours. I feel good... I feel on track.

From S.M.

Sometimes I feel like a failure as a mom. How did my cute little toddler grow into a 'tween who shows abolutely no respect for any member of her family? When did I become the enemy? How loud can I actually yell and still be ignored? Why is it that my first reaction to stress is eating? Why is it I have to be a grown up and not take the family out for comfort food because they are behaving badly and don't deserve it? I didn't do anything wrong to not deserve it. Or did I? Perhaps there is more to this then just a child's bad behavior, perhaps this is a symptom of a bigger problem...perhaps this is where I have to admit, I am just surviving, trying to parent to the best and sometimes not best of my ability. There has got to be something more....how do I get to the place where I and then my family in turn begin to thrive? This is the beginning of a journey, one that I pray is life changing.

Diet log for the day:
banana
mandarin orange
1/3 slice of turkey breast
1 glass of water
1 plate of whole wheat pasta with pesto and steamed veggies. (Which tasted nothing like the chicken wings would have that I almost headed out to eat.)


It is noteworthy to mention that to much of the outside world I am Supermom...this is the real me...when the cape is off!